I just have to tell you all how overwhelmed we are by all the love & support we are receiving. It has been amazing. We are humbled to know how many people love & care about us so much. We are doing a little better each day, for me everything doesn't feel quite so raw & agonizing. The pain is more than I can bare at times, I feel completely empty & lost, but its gets a little better everyday. I am having an easier time controlling my thoughts, which has been a blessing. The Holy Ghost is carrying us thru & we can feel all the love & prayers sent our way. I wanted to explain a little of what happened wednesday since I am sure everyone has a million questions. Around 10 I fed Taytam her bottle, I burped her, & she fell asleep on my shoulder. I laid her on her tummy, on my side of the bed, so she could smell me. This was only the 3rd time I had tried to put her to sleep on her tummy, but all my other babies had eventually preferred their tummies, so I thought I would try it again. It breaks my heart everytime I think of it-if I could change just one thing...I would give anything to go back in time and put her to sleep in her bouncy seat like I usually did. When I went in to check on her around 12:15, she was face down. I picked her up and started screaming. I called 911 immediately and the dispatcher talked me thru infant CPR. It still amazes me that I was able to do that, but adrenaline had taken over. My 4 other children were home and very scared so I asked Averee to take the younger kids back in a bedroom. When the ambulance arrived they took over CPR & I called Danny. He was in Park City working. He immediately headed home. I rode in the ambulance to the ER. I am so thankful for how quickly people were there with me at the ER & my other children at home. Doing all of this without Danny was horrible, but so many people came and it meant the world to me. After awhile they let me come in the room where they were working on my sweet little Taytam. I was able to talk to her & hold her hand as they continued CPR. I am told they worked on her for over an hour in the ER. I think all along I knew she was gone, but I just couldn't accept it & I kept hoping & praying for a miracle. I have never prayed harder in my life. When the lab results came back, the Dr said that there was nothing more they could do & when I was ready they would stop doing CPR. Nothing prepares you for the pain & agony of a moment like this.
Later when they had cleaned her up, I was able hold her in private. Taytam was gone, but it was still comforting to hold her little body again. Other family and friends were able to hold her as well. The nurses made molds of her hand & feet, which we will treasure with all our hearts forever. They also provided a photographer to come and take some pictures of Taytam and me. I wanted Danny there so badly, my heart ached for him, but he was still driving home from Park City. Being surrounded by family and friends is the only way I got thru this. Danny met Taytam and I at the mortuary, where he was able to hold her & say his good byes. We are having a small family ceremony Saturday morning at 10. I hope everyone understands & isn't hurt that we are keeping it just our families, but that feels right to us. Before the ceremony, a photographer is going to come take pictures of our family & Taytam. The other children haven't seen her yet. I look forward to & dread this at the same time. It is going to be a hard day. As part of the small ceremony Taytam will be given a name and a blessing by Danny, her uncles & grandfathers.
We went yesterday & picked out our plots at Tonaquint Cemetary. We chose 3 in a row & our sweet baby girl will be laid in between us. The past 2 days have been filled with hard questions that you never imagine having to figure out or answer. But we feel the hand of the Lord guiding & helping us thru it all. The kids are doing okay. We just all try to stay busy. Owen & Reese are a little too young to really grasp what is happening. Averee & Adelyn have taken it pretty hard, but they seem a little better each day. The more we talk about it, the better we feel. It is just going to take time. We are so grateful for our testimonies of eternal families. We know that Taytam will be our guardian angel as she waits for us. I know with a surety that we will all be together again one day. The joy of that day gets me thru this day.
Again, we are eternally grateful to all the prayers, calls, cards, gifts, treats & food. It is hard for me to be at home right now, so I am sorry if you stop by & we aren't there. We feel so loved & taken care of, it is overwhelming. We love each & everyone of you.
Love, Maren & Danny
