Gavin's Newborn Pics

He's finally here!!  We are so happy to welcome this sweet boy into our family.  I will post more about him later...but I just had to share some of his newborn pics.  The pics turned out so adorable...I can't pick a favorite yet, but here are some of the highlights:

can you believe those cheeks?!

this picture makes me smile because you can see his stubborn finger poking up...we had such a hard time keeping that finger under control :)

Handsome man...love the bow tie!

sweet smile

This might be my favorite...cuddly little bear cub

love his lips in this one

The photographer is Valerie Hart & she is just amazing.  Truly amazing.  We love her so much & will always consider her an angel in our lives, sent to us during the most difficult trial of our life.  She was the photographer sent to the hospital when our sweet Taytam passed away.  Valerie was there to capture my final moments with her.  Danny was hurrying home from out of town, but wasn't going to make it to the hospital before they moved Taytam to the mortuary.  Valerie offered to come take pictures before the funeral, so we could do some nice family shots with Danny & the other kids.  Then if that wasn't enough she even came to the cemetery and took some graveside pictures for us as well.  The moments she captured for us are some of our most treasured possessions.  Words are not sufficient to thank someone for this kind of selfless love & service.  We love you Valerie!!

Taytam's Birthday

Well, today was a pretty hard day.  Not gonna lie.  But I was expecting it to be, so that helps a little.  This year Taytam's birthday is also on Mother's Day.  Horrible right?!  I prepped myself all week & expected the worst-and hoping that it's never quite THAT bad.  It was a very emotional day of course.  Church was an exercise in keeping my emotions in check.  I am usually pretty good at this, but today was a real test.  It is hard to think about what she might have looked like now?  What she would be doing...walking maybe?  Jabbering & pulling everything out of the cupboards? 

After church we headed over to the cemetery.  Danny & I have talked a lot about how hard it is to deal with the unfulfilled expectations & righteous desires.  Like how a beloved child's first birthday is supposed to be celebrated.  Instead of celebrating Taytam's first birthday by having a big bash with family & friends, we are singing 'Happy Birthday' and releasing balloons at the cemetary.  I hate it.  I miss her. I want her to be here with us.  Now when I say 'we' are singing 'Happy Birthday', what I really mean is that the kids sang.  Danny just held me while I tried not to cry too hard & upset the other kids.  The kids were so great about the whole experience.  They loved singing to Taytam and sending her some birthday balloons.  They were really cute & had just happy things to say about Taytam.  Thank goodness they were strong today, cuz I was struggling more than I have since the early days of this experience.  We had been told that the anniversaries are the hardest & now we know how true that is...

After spending a little more time at Taytam's grave, we went home & got ready for a big family dinner at our house to celebrate Mother's Day.  Even though it was kind of stressful to have everyone over today, it was also good for me to have something else to do & think about.  Plus, it is always good to be surrounded by our loving families on days like this.

Happy Birthday to our sweet angel baby...We love & miss you Taytam!!

It's a...

I have had so many mixed emotions about this pregnancy, this baby.  We are over the moon excited to add another baby to our family.  But also very anxious and nervous about the emotions involved this time around.  I have written about this before in a previous post, so I won't dwell on those emotions.  However, since I announced that we were expecting again, everyone asks what you think you are having, or what you want to have??  Honestly, I couldn't careless!  Part of me wants to answer ' a baby that we get to keep this time', but I don't think that would go over well :) But that is really how I feel, I just want a healthy baby that we get to keep around for a good long time...boy or girl-does it really matter?

A girl: it would be like a second chance, a 'do-over' for Taytam.  Which is kind of a double edge sword...we would never what to 'replace' Taytam-how could we?  And yet, It would be a chance to experience all the girly things that we are missing with Taytam.  But yet, I also worry that I would always be thinking of Taytam, that this should be Taytam, or Taytam would have done this, or looked like this.  UGH!

A boy: obviously we have A LOT of estrogen in our house & a boy would help to even things out a little.  A boy would be a fresh start, a whole new experience from Taytam, or having another girl.  But we would miss that chance to experience what we are missing with Taytam.  But maybe that's good-something different so there isn't so much comparing to do? again-UGH!

But like I said before...does it really matter?  A healthy baby is all I want...all I can ask for.  Plus, it's already been decided-I can't change anything & worrying about it won't make any difference.  Boy or girl-we will love & spoil this baby more than we probably should.

With all that said-drum roll please.....it's a BOY! We are super excited and can't wait to meet our new little man.  It's funny because everyone has said that I am having a boy so I don't think anyone will be too surprised :)  I think I knew deep down that it was a boy, but we are just so used to having girls around here that it almost didn't seem possible...can we even make boys? he he he-yes we can!!

Shamrock Treasure Hunt FHE

With St. Patrick's Day coming this Saturday I thought we would do a little FHE on treasure.  So tonite for FHE we talked about 'Treasure in Heaven'.  We read and discussed Matthew 6:19-21.  I explained to the kids about different kinds of treasure, the treasure that stays here on earth and what treasure we can take with us to heaven.  They seemed to really grasp what I was getting at...especially when Owen said that Taytam was our treasure in heaven.  It just melts my heart.  How cute is that?!  Sometimes he can be so sweet...other times?  Well, anyway...it was a cute moment with Owen. :)

After the lesson, we did a Shamrock Treasure Hunt.  I had written the clues on paper shamrocks & the kids loved reading the clues then running all over the house to find the next one.  Reese was just happy to tag along.  The final clue took them to the deep, dark coat closet...they were excited to find a green glow coming from the back of the closet.  They each had a little green basket with a green glow stick, St. Patrick's Day shirt, leprechaun antennae & a handful of treats.  They were so excited! 

6 months already?

Well, today is my amazing husbands birthday-love you babe!  But it is also the 6 month anniversary of our sweet little Taytam's death.  Danny hates that his birthday is on the same day, but I feel like it helps the day not seem so bad.  I have been steeling my emotions for this day, knowing that it was coming.  Danny & I are going out to eat and probably see a movie...I know-we are so original, huh?  But so far the day hasn't been too bad.  I have been very careful of my thoughts, not dwelling too much on the events of that horrible day.  Mostly I just think of where she is now, & what she might be doing.  I imagine her as an amazing missionary, helping so many on the other side.  I think of her that way because her short life, and then death, helped to strengthen so many people's testimonies here on this side of the veil. These first 6 months have gone by very fast...fingers crossed that the next 6 do as well!

Taytam at Christmas time

Everyone warns you that the first year after a loved one has passed away is the hardest.  The first of each holiday, their birthday, or any anniversaries, without your loved one can be very hard.  Since we have been prepared for the worst at each holiday, it hasn't been as painful as we expected so far.  But will Christmas be the same?  We can hope.  Luckily this time of year is so busy that it leaves little time to sit & feel sorry for yourself.

We want to do something special for the kids each Christmas to remember Taytam.  This year we are giving them a beautiful picture of the St. George Temple that has their name on it & the saying 'I love to see the temple' for them to hang in their rooms.  Hopefully this will be a meaningful gift that they will enjoy looking at for many years to come. 

Another Taytam tradition that we are starting this year is Taytam's Christmas Jar.  For several years we have collected our change throughout the year then used it for someone less fortunate at Christmas time.  Sometimes we just anonymously give the money to someone who needs it, sometimes we use the money to buy gifts for someone in need, sometimes we just give the money to our bishop to use as he feels right.  Well, starting this year we are going to use the money to buy gifts and clothes for a little girl in need who is the same age that Taytam would be if she were still here with us.  It feels special, & it feels like a good way to remember our sweet Tater-tot at this wonderful time of year.  We miss her so much everyday, but the pain gets less & less as the time passes.  I can now understand the saying 'Time heals all wounds'...the time at least helps to lessen the intensity of the pain.  Thank goodness for our understanding of Heavenly Father's plan and our testimonies of where Taytam is today. Merry Christmas Taytam!

Taytam's Headstone

After waiting 2 1/2 months, Taytam's headstone is finally complete & installed. Not sure how I feel about this? On one hand, I am glad it is done. And it turned out beautifully. On the other hand, it is the last piece of this horrible puzzle. It makes it seem so final & official. Very surreal. It is also quite bizarre to see my own name on a headstone. We bought 3 plots at the Tonaquint Cemetery, Taytam is laid between us. We got the longest headstone we could so that it covers Taytam's plot & goes halfway in on both of ours. I guess we will be spending a lot of time here over the years. Although I must admit I don't feel closer to her or anything like that when we are there. I actually have a hard time associating the cemetery as the place where Taytam is. I know that she isn't really there. Yes, her body is there, but she is not. She is in a beautiful place surrounded by Love & Light. That is where I picture her, and it makes me smile.

Some thoughts of Taytam

Dear Family & Friends,

Now that the dust has settled a little, we wanted to share the wonderful experience of Taytam's funeral. It went perfectly-we wouldn't change a thing. It was short, sweet & beautiful, just like Taytam's life. We kept it a very small gathering of just family. We hope that no one is hurt by this, but that is what felt right for us. We took our children a little early to the mortuary, so they could see Taytam again & take a few pictures with her. It was a precious experience to have our little family all together. Then the rest of our family gathered for a beautiful family prayer, given by Danny's brother Todd. Then we went into the chapel for the funeral. We knew that none of us would be able to sing, so our good friend Tiah Wright played the piano while her girls, Hailey & Brinlee sang 'I am a Child of God'. First, Danny spoke & he did a wonderful job. Still not sure how he made it through that? Then President Terrell Lamereaux gave a beautiful talk that brought us a lot of peace. He spoke of our Heavenly Mother, whom we hadn't even thought of yet. Even though we know that Taytam's spirit is an adult, it brought much comfort to think of our baby being taken care of by our sweet Heavenly Mother. Next, our Bishop Brad Nelson gave some comforting closing remarks. Then, Danny & all the worthy Melchizedek Priesthood Holders held Taytam in their arms to give her a name & a blessing. It was a very beautiful & spiritual moment we won't soon forget. The girls closed by singing 'Families can be Together Forever'. We went over to the Tonaquint Cemetery where my dad dedicated the grave-another beautiful prayer. Lastly, my sweet sister-in-law Shannon, brought balloons for all the children to let go & send up to Taytam. Reese didn't want to let hers go, but we finally talked her into it. It was the perfect ending to a perfect ceremony. Went spent the rest of the day with our families-eating delicious food, swimming, talking, & just enjoying each others company.

A couple days later, on Monday, we headed out to San Diego! It was an exhausting, but fun trip. We went to SeaWorld, LegoLand, San Diego Zoo Wild Safari Park, San Diego Zoo, The Mormon Battalion Historical Site, & of course the beach. We had a great time & enjoyed spending time together as we try adjust to life without Taytam.

Now, we are home & trying to adjust to life without Taytam here. It wasn't as hard to come home as we expected, but it will definitely take some time. We just try to stay busy & think happy thoughts. 'Happy thoughts' is why I am writing to all of you again. We have felt so many prayers & so much love & concern that we wanted to share a few thoughts, experiences, quotes & scriptures that have brought comfort & peace to our broken hearts. We hope that you will feel the same comfort & peace...

Danny shared this experience in his talk during Taytam's funeral. Up until that point I had not told anyone else. It is hard to talk about & I worried that people might think I was a little crazy, but this experience was as real as I am sitting here. After learning how much this helped family members who heard it at Taytam's funeral, I have decided to share it with all of you:

At the ER, they continued to administer CPR to Taytam. I was able to sit by her, hold her hand, & talk to her. Of course I was begging her to come back, to wake up, anything! I was petitioning God-I wanted a miracle. My miracle. The doctor told me that because of the recent lab results there was nothing more they could do for her & that they would stop doing CPR when I was ready. I laid my head down on the bed next to Taytam & I received my miracle. I closed my eyes & I saw her. She was standing on a beautiful green hillside, the grass & flowers were knee deep. She was wearing a light colored sun-dress, she had waist-long, blond curly hair that was moving in the breeze, the sun was shining behind her so I couldn't see her face very well but she looked about 8 years old. She was so beautiful, happy & peaceful. Words cannot do it justice. Then she spoke to my mind "I'm okay Mom, I'm okay." It was the hardest, but most spiritual experience of my life. It was my miracle. I will be forever grateful for the peace & reassurance I received in that moment & I think of it often.

The Prophet Joseph Smith said "In my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent & interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: The Lord takes many away in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, & the sorrows & evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, & we shall soon have them again."

The Prophet Brigham Young said "Leaving this world to go to Spirit Paradise is the greatest advantage of our whole existence, for I have passed from a state of sorrow, grief, mourning, woe, misery, pain, anguish & disappointment into a state of existence where I can enjoy life to the fullest extent as far as that can be done without a body. My spirit is free, I thirst no more, I run, I walk, I labor, I go, I come, I do this, I do that, whatever is required of me, nothing like pain or weakness, I am full of life, full of vigor, & I enjoy the presence of my Heavenly Father, by the power of His spirit."

Alma 40:12-And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.

We know that Taytam will be ours to raise during the Millennium, if we are true & faithful. The Prophet Joseph F. Smith taught: "The body will come forth as it is laid to rest, for there is no growth or development in the grave. As it is laid down, so will it arise, & changes to perfection will come by the law of restitution. But the Spirit will continue to expand & develop, & the body, after the resurrection, will develop to the full stature of man."

The Prophet Joseph Smith also taught that: "The mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, & the satisfaction of bringing them up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction, & pleasure, & even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the full measure of stature of its spirit."

We know that if we live according to the commandments of God, we will have the opportunity & privilege to raise Taytam, to see her grow & develop, to see her baptized & receive all the essential ordinances of the Holy Temple. What peace & comfort this gives our broken hearts. We look forward to this with hope & faith. The joy of that day, gets us through this day.

Now, for the question everyone wants to ask, but no one dares: Will we try to have another baby? The answer for now is probably. We have talked a lot about it & right now we just don't feel like this can be it, the way we end our 'childbearing years'. We feel like adding to our family would help us all to heal, & feel happy again about babies in general. We don't want to end on a sad note, so to speak. But we are going to take some time to pray, fast & attend the temple, to decide if this is really the right decision for our family. Danny had a feeling years ago that we would have 5 children, but now we wonder if that was to have 5 children or raise 5 children? We also know that we would never regret having another child, but years down the road we might regret it if we don't. There are many questions, thoughts & feelings that we need to sort through, it will just take some time.

Averee (8), Adelyn (6), Owen (5) & Reese (2) are doing really well & asking lots of questions-which has been a great learning experience for all of us. The hardest question is WHY, especially when the answer is BECAUSE. Taytam has made the Plan of Salvation a much more real concept for us & we are grateful for our testimonies of this wonderful gospel truth. We miss our sweet little Tater-tot so much it hurts, but we pray that through this experience we can all learn, grow, & feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost & the love of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. This has been, without a doubt, the hardest thing we have ever experienced, but also the most spiritual. It is quite amazing what you can survive if you rely on the Lord. Heaven has never felt closer.

Thank you again & again for all the prayers, thoughts, hugs, cards, gifts, acts of service, flowers, texts, & emails. We could never repay the kindness we have received. We love you!

Love, Danny & Maren

Our Sweet Angel Baby

I just have to tell you all how overwhelmed we are by all the love & support we are receiving. It has been amazing. We are humbled to know how many people love & care about us so much. We are doing a little better each day, for me everything doesn't feel quite so raw & agonizing. The pain is more than I can bare at times, I feel completely empty & lost, but its gets a little better everyday. I am having an easier time controlling my thoughts, which has been a blessing. The Holy Ghost is carrying us thru & we can feel all the love & prayers sent our way.

I wanted to explain a little of what happened wednesday since I am sure everyone has a million questions. Around 10 I fed Taytam her bottle, I burped her, & she fell asleep on my shoulder. I laid her on her tummy, on my side of the bed, so she could smell me. This was only the 3rd time I had tried to put her to sleep on her tummy, but all my other babies had eventually preferred their tummies, so I thought I would try it again. It breaks my heart everytime I think of it-if I could change just one thing...I would give anything to go back in time and put her to sleep in her bouncy seat like I usually did. When I went in to check on her around 12:15, she was face down. I picked her up and started screaming. I called 911 immediately and the dispatcher talked me thru infant CPR. It still amazes me that I was able to do that, but adrenaline had taken over. My 4 other children were home and very scared so I asked Averee to take the younger kids back in a bedroom. When the ambulance arrived they took over CPR & I called Danny. He was in Park City working. He immediately headed home. I rode in the ambulance to the ER. I am so thankful for how quickly people were there with me at the ER & my other children at home. Doing all of this without Danny was horrible, but so many people came and it meant the world to me. After awhile they let me come in the room where they were working on my sweet little Taytam. I was able to talk to her & hold her hand as they continued CPR. I am told they worked on her for over an hour in the ER. I think all along I knew she was gone, but I just couldn't accept it & I kept hoping & praying for a miracle. I have never prayed harder in my life. When the lab results came back, the Dr said that there was nothing more they could do & when I was ready they would stop doing CPR. Nothing prepares you for the pain & agony of a moment like this.

Later when they had cleaned her up, I was able hold her in private. Taytam was gone, but it was still comforting to hold her little body again. Other family and friends were able to hold her as well. The nurses made molds of her hand & feet, which we will treasure with all our hearts forever. They also provided a photographer to come and take some pictures of Taytam and me. I wanted Danny there so badly, my heart ached for him, but he was still driving home from Park City. Being surrounded by family and friends is the only way I got thru this. Danny met Taytam and I at the mortuary, where he was able to hold her & say his good byes. We are having a small family ceremony Saturday morning at 10. I hope everyone understands & isn't hurt that we are keeping it just our families, but that feels right to us. Before the ceremony, a photographer is going to come take pictures of our family & Taytam. The other children haven't seen her yet. I look forward to & dread this at the same time. It is going to be a hard day. As part of the small ceremony Taytam will be given a name and a blessing by Danny, her uncles & grandfathers.

We went yesterday & picked out our plots at Tonaquint Cemetary. We chose 3 in a row & our sweet baby girl will be laid in between us. The past 2 days have been filled with hard questions that you never imagine having to figure out or answer. But we feel the hand of the Lord guiding & helping us thru it all. The kids are doing okay. We just all try to stay busy. Owen & Reese are a little too young to really grasp what is happening. Averee & Adelyn have taken it pretty hard, but they seem a little better each day. The more we talk about it, the better we feel. It is just going to take time. We are so grateful for our testimonies of eternal families. We know that Taytam will be our guardian angel as she waits for us. I know with a surety that we will all be together again one day. The joy of that day gets me thru this day.

Again, we are eternally grateful to all the prayers, calls, cards, gifts, treats & food. It is hard for me to be at home right now, so I am sorry if you stop by & we aren't there. We feel so loved & taken care of, it is overwhelming. We love each & everyone of you.

Love, Maren & Danny

Taytam & Jocelyn

My really good friend Christan Smith came to visit. She had a baby girl about a month and 1/2 before me. They live in Virginia so we don't get to see them very often. It was so good to see Christan & meet little Jocelyn in person. As you can see-Taytam is already bigger than her! It's also funny because Jocelyn was a name we were thinking of for Taytam. Great minds think alike!

Sisters

Reese is really starting to like Taytam :0) She is really cute with her & very soft. Whenever Taytam starts crying, Reese immediately starts yelling 'Mom! Tayum crying!' I love the way Reese says Taytams name-she misses the t in the middle so it sounds like Tayum. At first I was kinda disappointed to have another girl, but it works out well for Reese to have a little sister close to her in age. Hopefully they will grow up to be best friends!

Tater-tot

Taytam has gotten the nickname Tater-tot, which I love! She is a delicious little chunk! She isn't the hardest baby we have had-that was Averee. But she isn't the easiest either-that was probably Owen. She is somewhere in the middle. Sometimes she can be pretty colicky in the evening, but I think she just gets over-stimulated with everyone & everything going on here at home. She loves to be held which is probably my fault. But oh well-I will be the first to admit she is spoiled! She is doing okay nursing-I still have to supplement with a couple bottle a day which is frustrating. She obviously isn't starving-she is such a chubby little toot. She has so many creases in her thighs it makes me laugh! That is fine with me though-I would rather have a stout rolly-polly baby than a thin one. She likes her bath more now-she loves to splash & splash. She almost looks like she is trying to swim, it's pretty entertaining. I still can't believe I have 5 kids-I swear just the other day I was pregnant with Averee!

So many Helpers!

The kids have been such good helpers with new baby Taytam. They always want to hold her & feed her. She is a very loved & spoiled little girl! But 5 kids is HARD!! It is kicking our butts :0) The laundry alone has completely taken over my life! Oh well, I just have to remember this is the season of our life & we better enjoy it before it's over. Danny has been great too. He has really stepped up & helped more around the house & with the other kids. Everyone seems to be adjusting really well though, even Reese. Thank goodness-I wasn't really sure what to expect from her!

Grandma Funk meets Taytam

Grandma Funk came to town to meet Taytam for the first time, so we had to get a picture of her with almost all the grand kids. We are just missing Syrenidie. What a cute bunch of kids!

Taytam's First Bath

It started out pretty good...

but by the end, she was not happy! What a little diva :0)

I finally got her calmed down...turns out she loves to be rubbed down with lotion. Love that yummy baby smell! Gotta love that Buddha belly-she is such a chunk!

Precious Baby

My friend Errin Andrus took Taytam's newborn pictures & they turned out so cute. Here are a few of my favs:

Taytam Maren Jones

Taytam Maren Jones was born May 13th, 2011. She is a whopping 9 lbs 6 oz. and 21 inches long! When she came out the nurses said "Oh my! Looks like a 10 pounder!" We couldn't believe it! She has a full head of long dark hair-so cute! It was a little scary cuz the cord was wrapped around her 3 times & she came out dark purple! She was certainly loud though! She has quite a nice set of lungs & let everyone know that she was here & not to happy about it :0) The nurses even called her a little diva cuz once she was comfortable you better not mess with her or she was gonna let you know about it!

Averee was the most excited to meet & hold Taytam. She will be such a great helper!Adelyn is old enough this time around to really be excited about a new baby

Owen was pretty upset to get ANOTHER sister-but I think she will have him wrapped around her little finger! Reese is really not sure what to think of all this. Luckily she is a daddy's girl & doesn't really care if mommy is holding Taytam, but if Daddy is holding Taytam, watch out!

Averee, Adee & Owen made this welcome home sign for Taytam-we left it up for 2 weeks!