Taytam's Birthday

Well, today was a pretty hard day.  Not gonna lie.  But I was expecting it to be, so that helps a little.  This year Taytam's birthday is also on Mother's Day.  Horrible right?!  I prepped myself all week & expected the worst-and hoping that it's never quite THAT bad.  It was a very emotional day of course.  Church was an exercise in keeping my emotions in check.  I am usually pretty good at this, but today was a real test.  It is hard to think about what she might have looked like now?  What she would be doing...walking maybe?  Jabbering & pulling everything out of the cupboards? 

After church we headed over to the cemetery.  Danny & I have talked a lot about how hard it is to deal with the unfulfilled expectations & righteous desires.  Like how a beloved child's first birthday is supposed to be celebrated.  Instead of celebrating Taytam's first birthday by having a big bash with family & friends, we are singing 'Happy Birthday' and releasing balloons at the cemetary.  I hate it.  I miss her. I want her to be here with us.  Now when I say 'we' are singing 'Happy Birthday', what I really mean is that the kids sang.  Danny just held me while I tried not to cry too hard & upset the other kids.  The kids were so great about the whole experience.  They loved singing to Taytam and sending her some birthday balloons.  They were really cute & had just happy things to say about Taytam.  Thank goodness they were strong today, cuz I was struggling more than I have since the early days of this experience.  We had been told that the anniversaries are the hardest & now we know how true that is...

After spending a little more time at Taytam's grave, we went home & got ready for a big family dinner at our house to celebrate Mother's Day.  Even though it was kind of stressful to have everyone over today, it was also good for me to have something else to do & think about.  Plus, it is always good to be surrounded by our loving families on days like this.

Happy Birthday to our sweet angel baby...We love & miss you Taytam!!