Happy New Year everyone! Hope you survived the crazy, but wonderful Christmas season. I am always a little bummed when the holidays are over. There is so much build up and anticipation, then before you know it-it's all over! However, I am more than happy to say goodbye to 2011...not the best year for us to say the least. But we have hope for a wonderful 2012. This is where the "SURPRISE" comes in- we are having a baby! HOORAY! Due date is August 10th, so still a long ways off. I am very excited, but also experiencing a lot of other emotions: anxiety, relief, dread, and something I can only explain as unworthiness??
Part of me is just so relieved that we get another chance, we get to experience all the joy that we are missing with Taytam. I know our loving Father in Heaven doesn't work this way, but I also kind of felt like maybe He wouldn't give me another chance since I had 'messed up' so badly with Taytam. I know that's not really what happened, or how it works, but I am still working through some feelings of guilt about her passing away. Anyway-I am also feeling dread and anxiety about what an obsessive-crazy person I am going to be once the baby is born...will I even be able to put the baby down? I haven't held a baby since Taytam-I don't trust my emotions with that. So, I can't wait to hold my baby and just take in the feeling of their warm little body, that new baby smell. So much to look forward too! But I also can't imagine not watching the baby constantly to make sure he/she is still breathing, still with us. I think that once we get passed the 2 1/2 month old mark (when Taytam died) I might be able to relax a little? I guess we will just have to wait and see how it all goes. There is just so many more emotions with this pregnancy and baby than I have ever experienced before. It is pretty overwhelming. But like I said, I am so super excited, and that emotion still wins out over all the rest!
2 comments:
Maren- I am just getting caught up on your blog and I wanted to tell you how happy I am you are expecting again! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your emotions. I can only imagine how difficult the past year has been for you. Please know I think about you often and hope that you are feeling peace!! I like to think that Taytam has told her brother all about his wonderful family :) You have had to go through so much and I'm sure this baby will bring you so much joy!
Brittany
I have also struggled with feeling unworthy as we struggled with our infertility and the one time I got pregnant it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong. Then we were blessed with 2 wonderful children that are the light of my life!! If I had gotten pregnant, we wouldn't have them! At times I still struggle with it wondering why we only have 2, but I have to remind myself that this is my journey and it will probably be different than I expected. I also remind myself that things will work out the way they are supposed to :)
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